Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Where the hell have you people been all day??? (Also, a low-key pre-announcement.)

Remember awhile back when I said that there was a 59% chance I'd curate some kind of Pre-Fondon't?


And remember how I said that if it did happen I'd give you short notice?

Well, here's your short notice:


Yes, that's right, THIS VERY SATURDAY, I'll lead whoever feels like it on a moderate-length mixed-terrain ride.  Then, we'll stop for beers, which I'm pretty sure I can get one of my generous sponsors to pay for!  How's that sound?


Of course, this being merely a pre-Fondon't build-up ride, this is merely a pre-announcement for the pre-Fondon't ride.  I'll give you all the exact details between now and Friday, mostly because I'm still inventing them.  That will be the Actual Announcement.  Nevertheless, I'm sure you have many questions in the meantime, so here's an FAQ:

Why the short notice?

Two reasons:

1) As a semi-professional bike blogger, noted author, father of 17 children (and mother of 9), and lead guitarist of the rock group Unicorn Glitterfuck, I'm incredibly busy--so busy it's difficult to find a free day to ride bicycles in a recreational fashion.  Therefore, instead of waiting for the perfect day, which will probably never come, I just figured, "Fuck it, let's do it Saturday;"

3) Giving short notice means nobody has time to do anything stupid like travel to get to this thing, and that there will probably only be a few of us. 

What time will it start?

Probably 8:30am.  I'll get back to you.

Where will we meet?

Probably Upper Manhattan or the Bronx.  Or maybe Central Park but I don't know if I feel like going all the way down there.  I'll get back to you.

What's the route?

We'll head north via the Bronx, cut a swath through lower Westchester County, and wind up back in the Bronx at a place where beer is served.  There will be pavement, dirt, and some trespassing.  I'll give you more details in the official announcement.  Total distance will probably be in the neighborhood of 30 miles.

What do you want from me?

Ah, yes, I'm glad you asked.  You know that annoying thing they do at weddings where they put a disposable camera at every table and ask the guests to take pictures?  (Come on, you remember: you got drunk and thought it would be hilarious to take a picture of your own crotch.)  Well, we all have cameras in our phones now that we're living in the future, so all I ask is that afterwards everyone send me at least one (1) photo from the ride (and not of your own crotch) along with a few words for context if warranted.  I will then incorporate some of these into a future post.

In other words, you'll be doing my job for me.

All of this is already WAY too many words to say "Let's all ride on Saturday."  Stay tuned for more details.

I love you,


--Wildcat Rock Machine






55 comments:

N/A said...

Afternoon, peeps!

TurdBurd said...

Lame. And you can't even spell "violate" correctly.

Unknown said...

Ha!

N/A said...

For those of us that cannot ride along, can we send pics of our crotches to you anyways? I mean, I was going to take those pics anyway...

Anonymous said...

Saturday!? I wonder if I can wake up early enough to drive down from NH Saturday morning...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:12pm,

I hope you're kidding.

--Wildcat Etc.

wle said...

Walz cap lady: she wears a Man Watch.

She can do no wrong.

DB said...

Sigh.
That's not nearly enough time for me to get the Rock Racing bus out of storage and cleaned up.
Enjoy and take lots of photos.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...hangin' on from the back.

I like unicorns said...

Exactly where north of the Bronx is that magic fairy land with the green, lush foliage and the impressive mountain overlooking the charming little village full of people who bike and no cars? Have you, WRM, been hiding this scenic spot from us all these years?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Pre read podio. I read all the way down to da bottom and it said No Comments.
Dang.

I hope youze guyze have a great time on Saturday. I bonked just reading about it.
I am Jay Lous !!

vsk

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Fondon't is this Saturday? WTF? I am leaving for the left coast on Friday morning! I built my schedule around the Fondon't happening the day before the NYC Grant Fondue! Hopefully I'll be back in 2018!

Sorry I won't be there to see Leroy, DOP, Janinedm, 3 speed guy and everyone else again this year! Have fun and ride safe!

Daniel said...

Can we send you pictures and words from our own ride somewhere else?

dancesonpedals said...

Just say Fondont.

Buffalo Bill said...

So, to be clear, this build-up ride isn't the kind where you have to build your bike before you ride?

1904 Cadardi said...

@Daniel,

Somehow choosing your own bike, route and speed seems like perfectly keeping with the spirit of the GranFonDon't. I might join you, separately, and together we can each ride somewhere entirely different.

Everyone is welcome to join on your own!

Wildcat,
Will Unicorn Glitterfuck be performing at the finish of the GranFonDon't?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Lt Obvi,

This is the pre-Fondon't build-up ride, not the full-on Fondon't.

--Wildcat Etc.

cdinvb said...

There in spirit. Guess I'll go play in traffic here in Vero. Or hold my own fun-don't in the spirit of Florida.

Steve Prefontaine said...

No Prefontaine at the Prefondont. I've been dead for 42 years.

CommieCanuck said...

Mario would have been plussed if there was a promise of weemen and beer and lose morals.

Chazu said...

My private jet will be touching down at Laguardia on Friday afternoon. My mechanic is already curating the optimum bike cycling cycle configuration given the "mixte terrain" description of the route. I've tasked my Directeur Sportif with analyzing all possible routes given the information in this blog post, and determining the optimum locations for my Cat 6 attacks. My Soigneur is already curating my menu for the remainder of the week. (Don't be surprised if she slaps that apres-pre-Fon Don't beer out of my hand).

Actually, you'll be relieved to know that I'll be sleeping fitfully in another time zone when you start turning the cranks.

NHcycler said...

Just for the record, I am *NOT* Anonymous 2:12PM!

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

20something? Just checking in. Nothing to see here, move along...

janinedm said...

I like this! Especially since Saturday promises to be the only nice weather this weekend and it will assuage my guilt about possibly/probably skipping the Tour de Staten Island Sunday. It's supposed to rain. I ride in the rain all the time when I have to go somewhere, but 50 or 60 miles in the rain for no good reason sounds like some Fred shit to me. I ride all year 'round. I do not feel compelled to "get miles in." On the other hand, I spent money on the registration and the TdSI is usually one of my favorite rides. On the other, other hand, I have still done no work on my poor neglected, and still filthy Marin and have just lavished care on my pretty Raleigh which I would never bring out with rain expected tomorrow and Friday. I might just do something counterintuitive and ride my Oma. She's in fully working order and I could probably get her to move as well as my janky Marin. Sorry for the stream of consciousness TedK post. I'm in. I will either be on a bike that weighs as much as a middle schooler or a bike that sounds like a bag of hammers!

Hugh Heffner said...

Wildcat;

When you say "...at least one (1) photo from the ride (and not of your own crotch) along with a few words for context if warranted" I assume you will give out a super secret e-mail address to those who actually go on the pre-Fondon't. Otherwise you are going to get zillions of people sending you photo of crotch, their own and others. Plus more than a few words about these photos, that will be in no way warranted.

crosspalms said...

If I rode 30 miles yesterday as a kind of pre-pre-offsite-fondont, do I qualify for a beer?

Spokey said...


why do i even think podium. the two brain cells left should have something better to do

Fiction Shifter said...

We had fixies. We have fat bikes. What will the newest craze in cycling impracticality be?
I can hardly wait.

"You Were There" with Walter Cronkite said...

What happen on this date in the USA! in:

1775?
1861?
1897?
1934?
1995?

Discuss which was most important.

curry goat said...

https://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20170419/bushwick/cyclist-vision-zero-attack-nypd-83rd-precinct-police-investigate

road rage provocateur

Die free... said...

Nice job nycpd.

I really hope someday their complacency will change but so far it looks like they dontgiveafk unless it generates ready revenue.

Very Slim Pickens said...

So this is the Do-Fond-Dont in prep for the Don't-Fond-Dont. Beer indeed. And a sponsor is springing for it, OK, deep pockets.

Schisthead said...

"sounds like some Fred shit to me"

This is what I want to say nearly every time I go to the LBS.

It's a shame, they used to be much more reasonable people...

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

My bad, I mis-read that this was the build up announcement for the Friday announcement of the Fondon't!

bieks said...

Getting in my car right now and driving from Vancouver. Except, I don't feel like driving at night, so tomorrow. And I don't feel like driving more than 8hrs a day, so ... see you Tuesday-ish? Oh forget it, the whole thing smacks of effort. I'll ride around here. Like always. [yawn]

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Curry Goat, NYPD will start looking for those 3 guys who assaulted Mitch Norgan right after they have fucks given about the guy who hit Dulce Canton and took off in August 2014, even though they know who did it since he was caught on a surveillance security camera.

Simon said...

Clashes with the March for Science...

EricBikeCO said...

I'm driving in from Boulder's sweaty (with pathchoulli) right armpit.

Dooth said...

I'm tails between legs that I didn't make the REI and heartbroken that I won't pre-Fondon't. Now, why would someone post Prefontaine in the comments?

JLRB said...

So the Fondont is becoming a series style thing? I need the route in advance so I know where to stash my road specific, trail specific, pre-dump and post-dump specific, gravel specific, and most importantly beer specific bikecycle for the different segments.

Alternative factually, I was hoping to rid the car free Shenandoah thing Sunday, but it got booked up AND it will likely be 30 something degrees and raining - nothan-q

leroy said...

Well this is propitious.

Have stress test on Thursday afternoon.

If I pass, I can ride the pre-Fondon't Saturday.

If I don't pass, my dog assures me he can fashion a defibrillator from a couple of grapefruits, copper and zinc screws, and some Christmas lightbulb wire.

He says it's science.

Anonymous said...

@BikeSnobNYC Wow, never realized the Bronx looked so much like Lauterbrunnen these days.

wle said...

I want to start a Thing.

WCL - Walz Cap Lady - is herewith decreed A Thing.

Finally justice is done.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

WCL has nice eyebrows.

Wesley Bellairs said...

I'll bring my track mountain tandem.

wle said...

"WCL has nice eyebrows" -- "WCL has nice Everything!!!!"

WCL said...

WLE - seek help, and quit stalking me. I am a freeking advertisement.

Love,
WCL

Anonymous said...

Would it be anymore acceptable if I rode the prefondont on a Freestyle bike?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, there's a couple of us in NH. I should just come up with a handle...
~Anonymous 2:12PM

420 said...

Cough, choke, giggle - it's that day

Freddy Murcks said...

Will Unicorn Glitterfuck be playing the Fondon't after party? If so, I am totally booking a plane ticket right now. (Not really. Commercial air travel is for the plebes. I will be arriving in my private jet, whereupon my bike valet/man servant will reassemble my velocipede, slather my nethers with embrocations, and dress me in stretchy attire appropriate for this august occasion.)

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said...

I thought it was an April occasion...


vsk

wle said...

NO, WCL - you are real!!

wle

Frickus Rungus said...

So, I'm not clear on the instructions. If we live too far away to attend the ride, are we allowed to send a crotch picture as long as it's someone else's crotch? Or no crotch pictures at all?
Regardless, I'll plan on piloting one of my wheeled contrivances this weekend and imbibing beer in honor of the pre-fon-donut.

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