Tuesday, April 9, 2013

My ElliptiGO just got up and went.

I have a new book.  It's called "Bike Snob Aboard."  It looks like this and you can buy it wherever:


(Theoretically it's a May book but I think it's already in stock.)

Because of this book I'll be visiting the following places on the following days:

Saturday, April 20th

Washington, DC


Saturday, April 27th

FUCKING CLEVELAND!!!


Saturday, May 18th

Boston, MA

I'll give you more information later, and I think there will be other things in other places too but frankly it's too nice outside for me to think any more about it.

Speaking of the niceness outside, yesterday I took a leisurely spin through Central Park.  Many years ago (forty-seven to be exact) I worked in a building on West 57th Street.  I was not particularly happy in this job, and sometimes I would have lunch in the park and watch the cyclists on their shiny bikes (back when bikes were shiny and not plastic) with a longing in my heart, dreaming of a day when perhaps I too could ride laps in the park in the middle of a weekday instead of living in fear of the alphanumeric pager in my pocket that would vibrate scary orders at me.  (Remember alphanumeric pagers?  Those things were hilarious.)

Well, there I was yesterday, riding lazy laps through Central Park on a Monday afternoon, and it was nothing short of glorious.  "It only took forty-seven years, but we did it," I wanted to tell my young self as I gave him a high-five across the chasm of time.  A sunny spring afternoon in Central Park is a delight, a Seurat painting come to life--or at least this one come to life, because it's the only one I know, and only because of that scene in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off:"


As wonderful as all of this was, though, there's also nothing like Central Park on a beautiful day to make you deeply and profoundly ashamed of being a cyclist.  If you look at the Seurat painting above, you'll notice certain things are missing, such as heavyset riders in full pro team kits riding hairy legs akimbo at top speed through families with young children trying to cross the park road with the light in their favor.  Then again, I guess you can't blame them, since I slowed for one such family and was nearly rear-ended by a pedicab.  But as deeply humiliated as I was by my fellow cyclists, at least I wasn't riding one of these:

video

I tweeted a still photo of the above encounter and received the following reply:
So, like, what, I can't find that contraption ridiculous just because the guy is an Olympic multitasker?  The Olympics do not necessarily imply dignity.  You know what else is in the Olympics?  This:



According to a 2003 poll conducted by "The Globe and Mail," 89% of Canadians watch women's curling because they're hoping to glimpse some cleavage, and the remaining 11% watch it because they're afraid the women will beat the crap out of them with those brooms if they don't.

Anyway, a pentathlon is when you do five things at the same time, so I guess it makes sense you'd train in the park on a machine that makes you do two things at the same time, and then when you get home you probably make lunch in the shower--or just soak in one of these, as forwarded by a reader:



A Dutchtub is a portable wood-fired hot tub for four. Portable enough to deliver by bicycle. Do you see where this is going? Portland’s bikey people deal with more than the usual amount of cold water most of the year. So collect it in a big beautiful tub, add 2 wheels and a bicycle hitch, brilliant Dutch design, friends or family, a hot fire, a meal cooked over flame, and it’s all good. Slip in and soothe your bones under the stars or spiteful rainy clouds, no chemicals or motors necessary. You can now rent a Dutchtub, reservations being accepted starting 1 March. The rate is $400 for 3 nights, plus a $50 deposit refundable upon clean return. This fee includes the following:

The tub, complete with cover, fire coil shield, ash tray, wok, fill and drain hose with fittings and bung, leveling shims, stir paddle, custom bicycle trailer doubling as a hand cart
Delivery and pickup by Clever-certified bicycle tubbist* within our delivery area
Setup at your site, with instruction, tips for a successful first heating
~60lbs dry wood for 1 heating; additional 60lbs @ $15
Approved cleaning products

If you're a Portlander looking for work (arguably a Portlander looking for work is about as common as a Hasid looking for a short rib sandwich) this is a great opportunity to add "certified bicycle tubbist" to your résumé.  Or, if you're simply looking to schvitz in a giant bowl, this is a great opportunity to do so and to contract Legionnaire's disease in the process.

By the way, did you know there's an ElliptiGO World Championships?  Because there is:


This of course raises the burning question: can UCI license holders participate in the World Championships of Elliptical Cycling under UCI rule 1.2.019?


I don't know what's dumber: shitty organizations like the UCI and USA Cycling trying to cockblock grassroots race promoters, or all the Cat 4s who are in a tizzy because they think this affects them in any way.  Either way, amusingly, here's why USA Cycling thinks they're better than "unsanctioned" race organizers:

In its defense, USAC has said that in addition to helping grow the sport on the national and international levels, it brings anti-doping controls to races and more robust insurance.

That's like McDonald's claiming you shouldn't eat at independent restaurants because McDonald's food is healthier and their bathrooms are cleaner.


By the way, it's an interesting quirk of human nature that this sickens us, yet we think everything else we eat at McDonald's is somehow less disgusting only because it doesn't have a face on it--sort of like how people like pro cyclists until they actually test positive or confess.  That's when the deep-fried chicken rears its crispy head.

In a way the above morsel should actually be more appealing, since at least in that case you know you're not actually eating the ass.

Of course, let's not forget that we need USA Cycling so athletes like this can fulfill their dreams:


Uh, if you want everyone to buy you a new crabon bike you should just say so.

124 comments:

samh said...

Comin' in hot.

Blog Drafter said...

Nipped...

le Correcteur said...

three? top ten at least? 410 Easfterp

Adam K said...

podey yum?

streepo said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Peter Sagan stole my panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

made it

Paul Bowen said...

Top ten?

babble on said...

T T T TUESDAY! Hello peeps!

Paul Bowen said...

cuh

le Correcteur said...

"That's when the deep-fried chicken rears its crispy head."

I don't think I've ever read a metaphor that uses fast food "accidents" as the means of talking about anything!

Congrats, snob; such wonderful morsels are why your blog is, well, wonderful.

Yarpo said...

Top Twennyish?

Fack Podder?

Homonymous said...

Is that "Bike Snob Aboard" or "Bike Snob Abroad"?

I hope it isn't supposed to be "Bike Snob, A Broad" or Bike Snob, A board" or "Bike Snob, A-Bored".

CP said...

Call me dyslexic but every time is see the word ElliptiGO, I read it as "epiglottis".

crosspalms said...

If they do an ElliptiGo on ice competition, maybe they can make that an Olympic sport. With broom-wielding women, of course.

thegock said...

BATN KILL

Yarpo said...

Samh still has it! Wow, and way to go with Blog Drafter and le Correcteur rounding out a nice scranus of a podium.

Tomorrow: BRA-bont-shuh-PEEL. One of my favorite Belgianese Wednesday Pommes Frites/Mayo & Weed Races.

LOTS of pommes frites if the weed is present...

Anonymous said...

"USAC has said . . . it brings anti-doping controls to races and more robust insurance."

Well, obviously that's a good reason. I mean, we don't want amateurs to start thinking they need to take drugs to be like the pros. We want them to know pro cyclists never take drugs, because the antidoping controls prevent it.

What? Some pro cyclists do take drugs? The most successful ones take lots of drugs? And they get away with it for years? They get away with it until after they spent the prize money or stashed it in off-shore bank accounts? Oh heavens, my moral vision of the universe is shattered? Where do I sign up for a racing license?

Paul Bowen said...

Portland, England: deeply odd place, not much in common with the usanian Portland I don't think.

babble on said...

How can you tell who's on the elliptigo from that clip??

ssatire 27611

TEXAS!! said...

Come sign books in Houston!!
It is like travelling abroad!

Anonymous said...

I heard another bike blogger who thinks cruelty is funny get caught in a machine today. This time it was an elliptigo. That made it twice as funny.

Anonymous said...

I saw an elliptigo couple, nice fit guy and gal, kinda dorky but you know they have a good time, at the start of a recent FRED event up mt diablow. They made me laugh. My wave started, cue frantic FRED clip-in clacking and panicked miss-shifts the first 200 yards. About half an hour later, I was scratching ever upward into the thin 2000' air, this couple blows by me chatting happily. Holy hell i hate elliptigos.

McFly said...

WAY TO SCREAM AT THAT SUPER-PUCK, eh.

Is it called "curling" from the effect of ice in proximity to nipples?

Jed said...

Fucking epic segues today wildcat!
BTW, I was in the portland bike shop that rents those hot tubs last week. Its no joke. He actually rents and delivers them to expectant mothers and their midwives. "That kid used a cord of firewood before popping"
Hence the clean after usage deposit. See you in DC!

Buffalo Bill said...

I can't wait till they start forcing the cat 6 racers to pee in a cup.

Roille Figners said...

Ellipti-STOP.

Although they did manage to answer the age-old question: "How can we get from place to place, using only the simple motion of running?"

Marcel Da Chump said...

Pointillist peloton.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

were it the wednesday, that chicken head would be nice to munch on.

Anonymous said...

The tub thingy is kind of like the Portlander executive workout: a Shvitz and a spitz. Tow by bicycle, fill, prepare, hottub. Then repeat.

Comment deleted said...

Aww, you hurt little anon's feelings with the cat-in-the-lawnmower comment, Snobby. Can't you be more sensitive when you are talking about things that didn't really happen?

Anonymous said...

I'm confused. Short ribs are beef so there may well be plenty of Hasids looking for a good short rib sandwich. Does this mean it is also common for Portlanders to seek out employment?

balls™ said...

I want to kick that guy in the scranus.

Ruck Bodger said...

I saw your first book for sale in the gift shop at the Museum of Science and Industry in chi-town last week.
You should go to the bicycle exhbit there and do one of those pretend Fred-mannequin poses and scare all the fred kids coming thru.

balls™ said...

I have this recurring dream where naked women with brooms chase me around a hot-tub.

26 alesBj

3G said...

Sewer rat painting?

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_hD56tjkz1dM/Rua90-Z7RTI/AAAAAAAADkA/a-wwj6eSCuU/s400/_978882_rats300.jpg

Blog Drafter said...

I feel I should point out that, as the commentator said a couple weeks ago, you do not have to type the numbers in the Captcha. See'ya on the podium...

Sled Dog said...

You ran a marathon? Thats's awesome.

How heavy was the sled?

crosspalms said...

In studying this awesome subway map, it looks as if I can hop on an L train with my bike on the 18th and be in DC in time for Snob's event. Then I'll take the orange line up to Philly and visit my daughter, and a few days later take the blue line to Cleveland for Snob's next BRA (the three letters spelled in blue in the book title, according to my Enigma machine). The cool thing is, we could do a Snobathlon, picking up Canadians on our way to Vancouver to visit Babble, then drop down to San Francisco and eat all BGW's snacks. McFly would need to get to Atlanta, and Frilly and DB would need to get to Chicago, and I don't know where the hell Samh would catch the train, but I think this is doable.

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

Snob, come to the Philadelphia Cycling Expo this November and I'll let you try one of these.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2yEYLAVk6Y

McFly said...

It would have been sooo much sweeter if the blonde curling champion would have screamed ASS MOKNEYS ATTACK!!! when she released that super-puck.

Anonymous said...

In Cleveland's defense, the beer at Market Garden Brewery is tasty. And there are plenty of Freds to make fun of.





babble on said...

Ass monkeys aren't just for cycling blog podiums, and elliptagos aren't just for nerds. Ok, maybe they are, but for sure Guise n Dolls aren't just for movies anymore.

babble on said...

Crosspalms... that's a GREAT plan. count me in!

RANTWICK said...

I'm wirh Le Correcteur;

"That's when the deep-fried chicken rears its crispy head."

My god that's good. I'll be saying that for days.

crosspalms said...

Blog drafter,
I just type 666 for the numbers.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

You can get a DutchTub much cheaper than that in "the combat zone" here in Boston. I'll show you Snob, when you get here.

Yarpo said...

Came across a woman riding an ElliptiGo in the opposite direction during the bike commute a few days ago. She looked super-dorky too. I laughed, but after we passed I must admit that like a kid seeing another kid on a pogo stick I wanted to play with it.

Deep-fried chicken-head photo always makes me puke in my mouth a little bit.

McFly, I agree. "Ass Monkeys ATTACK" should be a required scream by the Canadian Curling Association, or whoever governs that, "sport" in Canodia.

Dooth said...

I see ass monkeys attacking an ElliptiGo.

DB said...

Crosspalms:
Good idea. I asked Bret and he's in, too.
I'll head out for Chicago in a few days. Can I borrow your Colnago C-59 with Campy Electronic Super Record?

CJ said...

I see ass monkeys riding an eliptigo.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Nearly rear-ended by a pedicab"

I don't what kind of stuff goes on up there in Newwww Yooork City parks but I'm pretty sure I don't want any part of it!

Swept Away said...

Request permission to recumb-aboard.

If we're talking Canada, we're talking babe. What gives, snob?

DB said...

If Lolo Jones doesn't get an Olympic medal in the luge, maybe she can try with the ElliptiGo.
Hey! Would one of our esteemed commentators marry poor Lolo so she won't be a virgin any longer?

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dooth said...

Dang! (dung) now I smell ass monkeys.

Anonymous said...

Lance will now move on to Elliptigo races. I heard he's crushed that he won't be on the cover of Outside in his speedo.

Anonymous said...

Why are the letters B, R, and A in Abroad in blue type on the cover of your book? Is this some sort of not-of-subliminal message?

Anonymous said...

"hairy legs akimbo"

I had to look that one up. I'm glad I did.

McFly said...

Butt Raping Assmonkey

P. Bateman said...

i'm pretty sure you will know when you are eating the ass.

i always do when i'm being "Dutch Tubbed"

ChamoisJuice said...

What has two thumbs and is a giant ignorant shithead?


This guy!!! Boom!!!

Anonymous said...

Worked with a guy who when invited to join us at the curling said, "No, I'm not very athletic"

After much merrymaking, and a little cajoling he relented and joined the group.

On the first go, he walked forward, and slipped face first onto the ice, breaking his nose. Poor fella.

I don't argue with people who say they're unathletic.

crosspalms said...

McFly,
The Wizard of Oz will never be the same.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Book
Related
Appearance

mikeweb said...

I'm late because like yesterday, I was on a lunchtime ride in CP again. All this actual riding is killing my podium chances here. I didn't see any Serottas today, though. Strange.

Also, Sunday = BATN KILL

It should be Fredtastic. I just hope to not be eating gravel at any point.

McFly said...

A O D stands for Avoid Orangutan Dick

babble on said...

Mikeweb - we miss you on the podium, but at least there aren't any ass monkeys to worry about on your lunch hour rides...

and the real question is how many eliptigo's did you see? HMMM?? Inquiring minds want to know.

I_forbid_you_from_racing said...

Swing and a miss!!!

You didn't get the memo that ALL USAC/UCI license holders are now forbidden from riding any competitive event outside UCI sanctioning.

Any UCI licensee forbidden from unsanctioned events, says USA Cycling

http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/any-uci-licensee-forbidden-from-unsanctioned-events-says-usa-cycling


For those in Canada's nether regions, that's USA Cycling.

mikeweb said...

babble, no ElliptiGOs, but the sunny weather brought out many scantily clad sun worshipers of the womanly kind, who for some reason like to 'set up shop' kind of near the road. Come to think of it, maybe with all those distractions that's why I didn't see any ElliptiGOs, or Serottas for that matter.

I could go on to say something about me 'rear ending a pedicab', but that might be imprudent.

9 hairyna? Yes, really...

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...ironically, speaking of snacks, i just bought a large box of frozen, deep-fried, crispy chicken heads that i can throw in the microwave when you guys all show up...

...maybe i can rent a few of those dutch pedal-tubs, get a cord of wood, borrow a couple of ellipti-go's & we'll have a party...

Roille Figners said...

McFly is right about the orangutan dick -- trust me on this one!

Frilly Chick said...

Watching that ElliptiGo video is my gym nightmare come to life.

Nice podio samh!

bikesgonewild said...

...ironically, i know a guy named oranatang dick who works in the monkey house at the san francisco zoo...

...his mum still calls him richard...

mikeweb said...

For some reason my tablet computering device made by the company with the fruity name doesn't display the ElliptiGO video and my work computer is safeguarded by a crack team of data security experts who prevent all employees from viewing any and all ElliptiGO related videos.

I must admit that I'm actually a little relieved.

mikeweb said...

I noticed that elite runner Adam Goucher competed in the ElliptiGO world championship.

I hear tell that he's got a hot wife.

bikesgonewild said...

...wow, canadian curling champ jenni jones has got some serious stones...

...just sayin'...

...great shot, btw...

mikeweb said...

Snob,

If you to see that Seurat painting actually come to life just pop on over to the Williamsburg waterfront parks on any weekend.

Seriously. I saw more than one guy with a top hat on at the Brooklyn Flea on Sunday. But alas, no parasols and bustles though... Corsets, yes, but that's a whole different ball game...

babble on said...

mmm corsets... yes, ball games

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Found this in the fine print in the funny dutchtub link:

"Our really long waiver, signed by you, indicating that you understand and accept full responsibility for all the hazards that open flames and almost one ton of hot water can present, especially combined with common party behaviors among adults, children, pets, etc. Your responsibility extends to the public if you site the tub in a public place such as a park, street party, cyclocross race, communal water-birth-athon, mass baptism, etc."

"communal water-birth-athon" wtf! really? Those PDXers sure are a whacky bunch.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"common party behaviors among adults, children, pets, etc"

They're even addressing Leroy's dog here.

mikeweb said...

rct,

I believe that The Dude has experience with common pet behaviors around hot water.

Yarpo said...

You could fill the dutchtub with tempura batter for dipping chicken heads for your next Crispy Chicken Head Crunch-a-thon. You're gonna need a lot more than sixty pounds of wood to heat it up though. You might have to clearcut every surrounding tree but in the end...crunchy chicken heads!

If the previous user was birthing their offspring, you better pray that they cleaned it well, or the chicken might taste, you know, FUNNY. Like, Ass Monkey FUNNY...

crosspalms said...

bgw,
mmm, pedal tubs and chicken heads. You know the way to a man's heart...

McFly said...

Why is the Portlandite draggin around a big blue cow udder?

Everbody said...

I ride a Cannondale with an elliptical biopace chainring, am I eligible to ride in the elliptical run or the Cat 6 fun rides?
Other than their top tube being way too low and their way too tall headsets....

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

There's got to be a way to hook up the propane burner from the turkey fryer to that thing. Not have to sit around for 4 hours paying the tubbist 75 fun stamps an hour to stir the damn thing while the wood fire gets going.

McFly said...

Chicken heads are OK, but you cannot beat Deep-Fried Duck Feet.

Anonymous said...

Bok Bok Chicken Chicken
Bok Bok Chickenhead


O please, whatever.


wadocia 1618

Jimboner said...

What did I miss?



heckbud 9061

ChamoisJuice said...

Waaaaaay off the back.

PNW has funny looking white people from funny sounding towns....

LEAV ENWO RTH!

JB said...

"...since at least in that case you know you're not actually eating the ass."

Anyone heard the This American Life regarding fried calamari?

P.S. a guy on a micro bike pulling a super jumbo tea cup. Perfect.

bikesgonewild said...

...jb...i know what you're talking about...sick, huh ???...

...sheesh, enough said...

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, your one Wisconsin and your Canadian readers seemed to take no offense at your insinuating that curling is undignified. There is nothing more chilling than hearing a finely turned athlete yelling "sweeeeeeep!" at the top of his (yes men curl) or her lungs.

an Captaen said...

Pie plates and a fancy house? Where do I sign up?

Grump said...

Snobby, Who woulda thunk it.

The World Championships of Elliptical Cycling, was held the week after The World Championships of Pogo Sticking, in the same town...

What a crazy world.
.

Sean Lally said...

You had a job 47 years ago?! I figured you as much younger.

rural 14 said...

Rural 1st!
Was out feeding my headless chickens.
Weasels?
Hate when that happens.

I am a robot.

leroy said...

My dog informs me that there are now more comments than there were Dalmatians in that movie.

As usual, I can't tell if he's serious, ironic, or seriously ironic.

leroy said...

Recumbent Conspiracy theorist --

Never accept responsibility for my dog's common party behaviors.

Don't ask me how I know.

I just do.

Anonymous said...

talking about money, monopoles, gvt, , big companies and oil:

http://www.salon.com/2013/04/04/exxon_controls_skies_over_arkansas_oil_spill/

Good luck with cycling policies in the US..

Anonymous said...

rderyxi

test...

troy said...

i've already finished your damm book (and it was damn good) so when you comin' to damn melbourne then?

fred im not a fred said...

i was in the park yesterday that family knew what they were doing just because they were tourists doesnt mean they were innocent

Philippe G said...

Ahhh Central Park! 47 years... Damn! Also, even if you're an olympic champion, you always look weird driving those ElliptiGo bikes.

Icah Banjarmasin said...

It's my favorite book,thank my friend really I like it.

anonymoose said...

You know, anyone can scream "SWEEP!" but you gotta know WHEN. Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

I used to work for elliptiGo. Although still just a prototype one-off, a fixed gear version does exist. Be afraid, be very afraid...

Matthew Johnson said...

Isn't modern pentathlon the worst part of the summer Olympics? THEY SHOOT LASER PISTOLS INSTEAD OF AIR RIFLES. What could be more lame than a simulated BB gun? WHY IS THAT AN OLYMPIC EVENT? I'm not sure who should be more ashamed of the guy on the ElliptiGo: the other pentathletes or the other ElliptiGoers...

Anonymous said...

I handed my wife a broom and yelled "sweep" and she hit me with it, handed it to me and yelled "no you sweep."

Monty Python's Flying Ass Monkeys said...

Chased my wife around the island in our kitchen with a broom yelling "Sweep, Sweep..." until she grabbed a knife. At knife point I claimed I was yelling "Sweet, Sweet..." and added that all that was going on was I was hoping she was in the mood for some after work adult recreational activity. But she didn't buy into any of my malarky and that was the end of that.

Monkey Cage, Bronx Zoo said...

"Nearly rear-ended by a pedicab"

Shouldn't that read "Nearly rear-ended by an Ass Monkey riding in a pedicab"

Anonymous said...

Why?

ce said...

Yeah, well I'm somewhat of a well seasoned world traveller myself. Just this very evening I travelled through the McDonalds drive-thru here in Singo... no not Singapore, I mean the town of Singleton... and purchased the limited time only "Tastes of America, New York Classic Burger". Wow, I sure got my fill of all that New York culture Snobbo has been boasting about... if by "New York culture" he means slightly more bitey mustard than normal. Yep, I thought I'd experienced it all, but I was wrong. I think the burger might have even topped the weeklong school camp to Tasmania in 1993, previously my most daring adventure. I kept some complimentary soaps from the Abel Tasman overnight ferry as a keepsake. They have the Abel Tasman logo on them. I still have them.

But one thing is bothering me, doesn't pretty much everything on the regular menu at McDonalds already classify as the "Tastes of America"?

I dunno.

And yeah, the "rearing it's crispy head" line was gold, golden brown crumbs of saturated and monounsaturated gold.

McDonald's Clown has a Posse said...

CE @ 1022: "I kept some complimentary soaps from the Abel Tasman overnight ferry as a keepsake. They have the Abel Tasman logo on them. I still have them."

Try keeping a McDonald's New York Burger for 20 years and see what it looks like. Probably like Queens.

Dooth said...

I was about to comment about actually smelling monkey ass, but decided it was in bad taste (the comment, not the ass).

ce said...

McPosse, in the future when we are mining landfill for resources, petrified burgers will be repurposed as cobble stones. Sesame seed texture for traction.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me or is hopping from side to side on the ellipsoidal exactly the same thing as riding a regular bicycle "out-of-the-saddle"? I think people who ride their bikes like that are ridiculous. BMX, downhill mtb, and jump ramps are the only reason to get out of the saddle on your bike. Everyone else doing it is just being fatuous.

agentdetroit said...

the detroit curling club is the oldest curling club in north america, founded in 1885. take that, canada! and, yes, i drink there regularly...http://www.detroitcurlingclub.com

Dave said...

I'd like to place an order for two "Crispy Head" T-shirts, size xxl. How about free shipping?